Ups and Downs

I've been back for about two weeks now. After the first few days of class - the following were my thoughts. "Wow. This sucks. Hard. This fucking sucks." It's at this point that I first legitimately questioned why I'm in med school and if it's really worth it. After Thanksgiving, I've been caring less about all the work and grades. Then winter break rolled around and proceeded to exacerbate those feelings. Coming back from a few weeks of sloth, med school was the antithesis to winter break. And I'm not talking yin and yang in harmony. I'm talking laziness and freedom completely dominating any reason or motivation whatsoever for becoming a doctor. Also, the fact that UIC didn't ease us into the semester didn't help - had all our shit happening from the get-go.

UIC: "Hello children! Hope you enjoyed the holidays. We know we're a state school, but we got you guys a little present: anatomy (even with lab!), physiology, neuroanatomy (also with lab, you lucky kids!), molecular medicine/genetics, and clinical med. Oh, and we were considerate enough to have immunology/microbio, brain/behavior, human development, and histology waiting for you as an early Easter present."

Children: "Fuck you."

Luckily, today I was reminded of why I'm even doing this. I worked with a pediatrician this afternoon. There were no real spectacular highlights, motivational talks, or earth-shattering revelations. We didn't even see that many patients. Hell, we had time to leave the office and grab a (second) late lunch. But just being around the guy and seeing the end result of all this was enough: a simple, but pretty powerful reminder of why I'm doing this. I've worked with the doc before, but it's never been this influential for me. Seeing him do his thing let me see that I'll eventually be that guy. That there is a clinical side to medicine - a side that's free from books and allows for free time. Dr. M left clinic for dinner and trumpet practice. I left for dinner and studying. (At least we have blocks of exams instead of one a week. As of right now, I'm loving it. Come exam time, I'll be singing a different tune.)

So even though I was only in clinic for a few hours, it was enough to get me semi-motivated again. I'm probably more in the swing of things now than I was at this point last semester. And now, I'm pretty sure I will *NOT* be doing any specialty that's time consuming - surgery especially. Selfish, yes. But I like my free time. Aaand so begins the countdown until the semester's over.