Done!!!

Hell yeah. Done. I have never looked forward to the end of something more than this. After eight hours and clicking "end exam," there was a huge, overwhelming feeling of freedom. Pure freedom. I walked out of that building with a glow and energy about me. I couldn't help but smile. Some people walking past me gave me some quizzical looks. I didn't care.

I legitimately hated the past month of my life. I'm not going for hyperbole or dramatic effect when I say that or the following. This has been the hardest, worst experience of my life. It's been the most stressful, tiring, draining, frustrating, and demoralizing thing I've ever done. And none of those things happens easily with me. Granted, I've had a good life and haven't had many life experiences or traumatic events. And yes, I know I chose this path. But still. I spent most of my waking hours studying. And reviewing. And not remembering. And getting owned by practice questions. (My average for ~1500 questions was a solid 62%.) Even when I wasn't in boards mode, I was annoyed at what my life had been reduced to.

I know it's become an old tune, but the volume of information is overwhelming. Two years of med school. No matter how much we study, we never can or will know it all. On top of that, the styles of questions makes it so much more difficult. And all of it reduced to a 336 question, eight hour exam. An exam that I'd like to think I passed. But on top of that, an exam that determines what specialty you can go into and where you can do residency. Luckily, I'm always good about not thinking big picture - otherwise I would've freaked out. Oh wait, that happened anyway.

I've been known to moan and groan when it comes to exams, and that's mostly what I did for three weeks. I'm usually pretty solid and stable with exams. This final week though, I actually freaked out a few times. I've apparently never done that before. I went through periods where I couldn't study, couldn't retain anything, couldn't focus. All I could do was sit there. Nothing helped - listening to music, taking a break, eating, taking a nap, jackassing on the internet - nothing. It wasn't only cognitive. I know it was for real because I lost my appetite at times (never happens when I study), my GI was all sorts of messed up, my heart was going crazy, legs were tapping like mad. I've been through my fair share of exams, and nothing like this has ever happened before.

On those occasions I freaked out, I didn't recognize myself. I didn't like who I was seeing and what I was. And apparently my study group took notice. They were the ones giving the pep talks, instead of vice versa. That was another hint that something was different.

I'm just thankful I have a tight group of friends going through the same thing. I usually went solo during the week. But I occasionally met up with my group during the week and definitely on the weekends. Even if I got less done, it was comforting and reenergizing knowing you're not alone.

Not that I think I did, but I if were to have failed (I just cringed typing that), I don't know if I could do this again. I would have to take a step back and really reevaluate my life, priorities, and what I want to do. And this is coming from someone who currently owes the federal government $100k.

Luckily, supposedly none of the other board exams are as bad. At least not USMLE Steps II or III (just took Step I). Specialty boards might be a different story, but that's way too far down the road. Up in the immediate future is a week in Saint Thomas. And in med school style, it's gonna be a cramfest - of doing absolutely nothing, relaxing, recharging, drinking, and making up for the past month. Already after just eighteen eighteen hours it's amazing how much stress, angst, and anger have melted away. I'm in such a different place than I was two days ago.

For reading my sob story, the best reward I have is of a Chicago sunrise ~540 the morning of my exam.